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July Horoscopes
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Haywire astrology
Haywire Astrology
by Anna Norbergino
 
What's in the stars for you this month?
July horoscopes
by Anna Norbergino

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You would be wise to retreat to your home and eat animal crackers. Associates could find you disassociating and/or removed, which is counterproductive to your usual perfectionistic aggressiveness when pushing invalids around. Don't sleep too long, as wheelchairs may chase you.  

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Counting each individual strand of lint in your naval could be more frustrating than usual today. Counting quarter mile slabs of a secondary highway may be more relaxing. You would be wise to secure a chauffeur.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Rising above your judgment in matters involving harmony could pay off today if you do not criticize the Jew’s harp player on the street corner whose name you do not know.  If you are keen on manipulating something into being esthetically pleasing, avoid mud wrestling events.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Clandestine meetings in the usual unused closet of your local morgue should wait until next month. Usual leanings toward demanding immediate justice in all matters is taking its toll. This could be diminished greatly with a sex change operation, but only on an odd day of any odd month in any odd year.  

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You'll have power and authority, but not until your one zillionth reincarnation. If this news is disparaging, gleaning skill in operating twelve yo-yos at one time may temper your impatience. Try chanting: "perseverance furthers" over and over again until you expedite your upcoming management of a robotic sponge-making factory.  

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Your macabre sense of everything being mysterious, yet solvable, will magnify when receiving your new binoculars in your next purchase of your favorite cereal. You will meet a man named Watson, and the subsequent one thousand men you meet will all be named Watson. Be smart. Avoid confusion. Holiday in London.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Fight the stigma of being wishy-washy. Lay down on a Murphy bed and have a passerby in the hallway thrust you up and into the wall. Take a spider web weaving class alone so that you can excel.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Escape into your head, as usual, but don't be surprised if someone throws you down the bowling lane. Look for usual hidden discounts on large bandages in discarded newspapers well in advance of escapism tendencies. If you miss meal times it's your own fault.  

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Knowing everything is no longer your personal triumph. There's a Cancer who's president of a country of split personalities who is convinced it's his personal triumph.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Your challenge of temperance is overcome by soaking your head in non-alcoholic effervescence during a full moon. Beautiful naked people (gender of your choice) dance with wash cloths on your lawn. You win a China shop that is indestructible.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You savor chocolate and startling news bulletins per usual. You pass on messages with your usual flair for distorting the facts. People adore you because you share bad news finely engraved on the chocolate chips too small to decipher in cookies. If you're really lucky, hard-core realists will avoid you like the plague.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You bring an even worse rap to your kindred Cancers if your first name is George and your last name is Bush. Aries fight among themselves to determine who will take back the know-it-all crown. Meanwhile, you crabs bury your heads in the sand and hide. If a gigantic fan blows your way, facing the music is an excellent idea!