| "If
you ask me what I came into this world to do, I will tell you I came to live out loud." Emile Zola |
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Lighten
up about
Livingston.
Ride along as we herd some sacred cows. |
Volume
1: Issue 3
July 21,
2005
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| Alien abductions on the rise in Park County |
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| According to the most recent figures from
the United States Census Bureau, alien abductions in Park County showed
an increase of 43% between the 1990 census and the 2000 census. Because
census figures are only tallied every ten years, Livingston and Park
County are on their own in getting accurate numbers for the phenomenon
over the past five years. But one thing is certain, something odd is
going on in Livingston and the rest of Park County, and the
evidence is
piling up that alien abductions have once again taken an upturn. Scientists and citizens alike can find no other explanation for these recent trends: Erratic behavior of our local governments.
Unusual weather disturbances. (This just in: earthquakes, too?) Destruction or alteration of natural land forms, such as the recent "mudslides" along the Beartooth Highway. The complete absence of retail customers in downtown Livingston on Saturdays. Retailers once thought that patrons were going over the hill to Bozeman, when in fact they might well be going over the moon.  The object in the background of this Beartooth Highway reconstruction photo could be alien landing craft.
Responding to an increasingly alarmed citizenry, the County Commission claims that alien visitation is a city issue, while the City Commission believes it is a county issue. Calls to Governor Schweitzer's office on the issue were not returned. Scientists are flocking to Livingston in an effort to observe the phenomena firsthand. They point to two major kinds of alien activities: abductions in which people simply disappear, and those in which the abductees are returned to earth after some time, often without any recollection of their abductions. Experts caution that the latter kind seems to be plaguing the Livingston area and that it is far more dangerous. Dr. Hugo Withem of the National Investigations Committee on Aerial Phenomena (NICAP) points out that "returned abductees are extremely, and probably permanently, disoriented at best, or programmed by aliens at worst, and represent a great threat to the communities where they are returned, and possibly to the planet as a whole." The Air Force Office of Special Investigations (OSI) has quietly taken over the Livingston area, but officers are tight-lipped. An alert housekeeper at The Murray Hotel found a badge in a room that was rented by a Mr. James Smith of Washington, DC. This badge and various signs posted around the county offer proof that the OSI is taking this as seriously as the alien landings during the 1950s in the region now known as Area 51 near Roswell, New Mexico. (See photos above right.) The question on everyone's lips is "Why Livingston?" Some folks point to the affordable housing relative to other areas that aliens are known to choose, such as Salt Lake City, San Francisco, Los Angeles, and most of Florida. "Who do you think all those new subdivisions are for?" said one citizen who preferred not to be named. Apart from Livingston's reputation as a quirky town and a haven for oddballs, and the area's natural beauty, other attractions might be the Running Fence of the Absarokas (see Volume 1: Issue 2). NICAP thinks that from the air this looks very much like an intergalactic landing field. The otherwordly beacon of the Martin's cafe sign could also be sending a signal to aliens that Livingston is a place very much like home. While there are no easy answers, citizens are urged to remember: It is unwise to approach an alien, even
for a photograph.
Your neighbors and fellow citizens might not be who you think they are, or who they once were. Watch for changes in behavior. |
 Dog walkers at Mayor's Landing were
stunned to discover this footprint on a recent
morning. It is unclear whether this print is related to a recent spate
of alien visitations or is something else altogether.
Some clues found around town (below) indicate that the Air Force's Office of Special Investigations is taking this as seriously as the Area 51 alien invasions of Roswell, New Mexico.   First the landfill was closed to Livingston citizens by the County Commission, now it is an off-limits Air Force "installation" (below).   The Martin's Cafe sign looks to many like something from another planet. Coincidence or alien beacon? [continued from previous column] Just because someone is wearing a John Deere mesh cap that doesn't mean they are from earth. If the cap is worn backwards, this is a sure sign that this "person" is trying to fit in based on perceptions of our culture; he is probably an alien. It is illegal to put aliens to work. Don't be tempted by hard luck stories, their apparent willingness to work for $3.65 an hour, or the listing of Wal-Mart as a reference. Meanwhile, city trash continues to pile up. |
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