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September Horoscope
September Horoscope
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Volume
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September Horoscope |
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Haywire
Astrology
by Anna Norbergino |
| What's
in the stars for you this month? September horoscopes by Anna Norbergino Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) You sense something’s in the dark, and with prowess, barefoot, you approach, only to fearfully realize you wish it to remain there. Maintaining cool, yet haphazardly retreating, you discover you’re stumbling through the kitty litter box. Your cat, alarmed, attacks you out of the darkness. This experience accounts for your knit brow, but no one else need know. Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Traveling back in the dark in a lightning storm from your clandestine meeting with Rod, it occurs to you your car tires still have chains on and you are wearing your tap shoes. Knowing you can’t tell your friends where you’ve been, you sense the symbolism of “liar, liar, pants on fire”, as a lightning bolt strikes the wire of the small rainbow flag on your car’s antenna. Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) It isn’t that you want or need to, yet you are tempted to join Olaf in his underground sale of miners’ headlamps to alien grave robbers; yet, beware, as moonlighting is becoming rather “in”; thus, thrills may be better secured through mail order bribes. You could find yourself unable to utter the word, eth -ics, and seeking the aid of a speech pathologist. Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Night falls. You find your cape. It leads you to find your boots, and the stolen health food. You can’t find the window through which you entered the mansion where your lover lives with “Tuffy. “ Tuffy returns home. You feel the floor vibrating with Tuffy’s heavy footsteps. You’re lucky this time, as Tuffy is simply checking on the candy supply, then goes to the solarium to join Muffy. The month offers little personal intimacy, somewhat better health, but a lot of “whew” moments. Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) You have a feeling of lightness of being, and you revel in it, even waving at your neighbor from your porch, which isn’t like you, really, because you abhor your neighbor’s stoic manner, but your neighbor is smiling widely. It is then you realize you have no clothes on, as you had walked straight to the porch from a bed of slumber. You realize you have elevated your neighbor’s usual dark mood accidentally, and this annoys you. Lighten up! You receive many invitations now to neighborhood potlucks. Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Beware of the full moon, and may you NOT remember possessiveness is nine and a half parts whiskey to three and three fifths parts threatening behavior to two and one third parts intimidation. When in this frame of mind it would be sensible to wear football pads under your usual clothing, as it is important to differentiate between human beings and telephone poles. Inane power-driven escapades at this time should be conducted in your own cellar or cave dwelling. Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) In the immediate future you will be dared to do something you would not ordinarily do in the dark. Anytime you find yourself in the dark, try to be by yourself. If this is your usual state anyway, do not change anything... If this is difficult over the next dozen days or so, eat a lot of carrots. Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) Insight dims, fantasy fades, inner journeys darken, intuition seems shady. Your philosophical underpinnings are unpinned. It would be good to get out of the restroom in the Sturgis, S.D. gas station. The motorcycle rally is over, and has been for a couple of weeks. Aries (March 21-April 19) Your usual tools for sharpening your scythe have been hidden. You will not find them no matter how hard you try. Your attitude is gloomy. No one will care. You may find solace at McDonald’s. Taurus (April 20-May 20) Night fades. Dogs howl. Owls screech. Someone plays bad rock and roll on your street. Dark-cloaked figures stroll along your walk. Keep your doors/windows closed/locked. Sleep on your roof. Don’t fall off. Police are coming eventually. It’ll be okay. Gemini (May 21-June 20) You find yourself wrapped up in fiction as truth seems so much stranger, is shadowy and berserk. You develop a propensity toward longing to be with the little people, the wee folk. You recall that when they ran they could really hide. This makes it far more difficult for you to find them. Good luck! Cancer (June 21-July 22) You! Your unconscionable behavior precipitates havoc in the Zodiac: domestic cats attacking - - - erratic lightning striking - - - nationwide moonlighting - - - increased theft for surviving - - - nightmares thus increasing - - - lots of heavy drinking - - - in the darkness, stumbling - - - guilt by associating - - - the symbol, scythe, bewildering - - - lunacy, most confusing - - - with the wee folk no escaping ---- IN THE DARK I SEE YOU GRINNING IN THE RARE TREE!!! |
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