Livingston Out Loud

Volume 1
August Horoscope

Haywire Astrology
by Anna Norbergino

What's in the stars for you this month?
August horoscopes
by Anna Norbergino

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)   By all means, if the Jones are doing it, don’t you do it. If the Smiths are doing it, don’t you do it. Feel good now that you missed the Telluride Jazz Festival? Oh.... so sorry.....

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Detailing in paint brush the tendrils of your vine onto the fence upon which it climbs may be, perhaps, counterproductive.   You may wish to Windex all the door knobs in your home as curtailment of your desire to do the tendril painting.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) If you have come upon the absurd, twisting yourself into knots over it is a risk. Thrust yourself into the symbolic to heal.   Salt your wound, visualize your knotted twist-up --- eat a bag of pretzels. To heal is not a big deal.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Meeting your lover in the usual place, the third block from the rectory, west, behind the pink lattice gazebo, due north through the historic hickory grove, behind the solitary wild Madagascar dark violet (almost purple) rose bush may have to be put on hold.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Learning through your underground journal friends the leader of Spangodesia has been kidnapped, and bickering over the total of your Frequent Flyer Miles to fly there to take over, and thinking that your accumulated rare bubble gum wrappers can add to your Flyer Miles available is preposterous! --- not well thought out!   Buy a Paint-by-Number kit that has wrist weights as a bonus. You need to slow down.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Finding your way through the labyrinth of your dream states is a piece of cake. You marvel at the keen sense of crystalline vision you possess.   Celebrate! Have a frosting fight!   Do not hurt yourself with the spoon that is on the floor camouflaged in chocolate which awaits its destined thrust between your baby and next toe on your bare right foot.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) If someone wishes to know your “politics,” please be so kind as to not provide a highly polished and well executed humanitarian dissertation that goes on and on and on.   Just say you have a permanent concussion and that you last recall Peter Sellers as your chosen president.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) Remember now. You swim within a secret sea. Your travels are in your own company.   Your philosophy fills you with glee.    Your inner voices -- symphony.    Your inner world’s in harmony.   For the sixth time -- WILL YOU PLEASE PASS THE BUTTER!!!! Honey????????

Aries (March 21-April 19) Queedle.feemle... wozee... Swasa...mizaz...quoblee...sleemnoz.... miquat.... poommoom..... smeezle, quizzel...dumbeel.   Admitting you cannot discern the mystical message meant only for you is not in your cards.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) Having opened the China shop you won at a raffle has taken you into a whole new realm of being.   Others may find you rather obsessed as you click the rims of beautiful glasses to hear them ring and ring, but your deep dark secret surrounding these glasses and that you fill hundreds of them at once with elixirs of your choice, yet they are all empty if a customer comes in, remains your deep dark secret ...... well, until now.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)   Your sense of measurement - - - outstanding. Your propensity toward executing balanced intervals of mathematically foolproof solutions -- a marvel!   Your outstanding ability to evade the IRS --- remarkable.   Your ability to shoplift --- unbeatable.   Congratz! --- your board game is bound to be a hit!

Cancer (June 21-July 22)   You’re so lucky! You didn’t lock the door, forgot to set the burglar alarm, left the keys in the car, forgot to take the bullets from your gun, left the milk on the counter, didn’t feed the dog and cat, dropped your dentures during toilet flushing, plugged up the line, didn’t hear the neighbor, Thelma’s, cry for help through her open window, and can respond in the most eloquent and innocent manner (equally understood and excused in the likes of great actors as Laurence Olivier/Vanessa Redgrave) “You know, of course, dahling, I don’t know what I’m doing.”