Preserve Ameya; buy my yard! Just $250,000! Makes a great gift!
October 3, 2007 | Filed Under LOL Feature Stories (satire) | 6 Responses
Yesterday Neiman Marcus unveiled its annual Christmas Book to help dolts like us find the perfect Christmas gift for the person who has everything, typically their own stuff and money as well as ours because that is what capitalist democracies are for. Livingston Out Loud thought that you’d want to know that Neiman Marcus is providing us with the opportunity to buy locally this Christmas. According to the Dallas Business Journal online, this year’s Christmas Book boasts “everything from a $20 set of four peppermint tins to a $2.3 million getaway to the Ameya Preserve in Montana.”
LOL doesn’t want to mess with our fabulous trickle-up economy where if you have a slice you can put preserves on it. (We are already reeling from the U.S. Senate Office of the Sergeant at Arms’ repeated visits to this site after our “Ted Kennedy Calls Tester ‘Mister President’” article.) We just want to point out that you can buy closer to home. The Editorial yard, for example (that would be mine), has a lot going for it at 1/10th the price of the Ameya Preserve. But more about that in a $5 tin of pepperminutes.
I went to the Christmas Book online to see what the competition, Mr. Wade Dokken of people-who-question-a-301-family-community-with-a-huge-impact-on-the-environment-suffer-from-“class envy” fame, had to offer. This was a little difficult at first because I couldn’t decide whether a 10 acre chunk of land in the Livingston area would come under “Fur/Outwear” on account of Dokken’s claims that wildlife corridors would not be destroyed in the making of his “preserve.” Or would it be “Jewelry” since he anticipates an audience willing to pay huge sums for a little wilderness bangle.
How about “Handbags” because Ameya seems to be handing out bags of something. Bags of public relations poo for you and me, fellow class enviers, bags of cash for folks like Alice Waters, whom Wade gifted with a home “residence” as well as $500,000 to start a culinary institute at Ameya for her “slow food” movement, and Jack Horner of dinosaur fame who got a home “residence”, too, as well as a $3.275 million dollar endowment for the Museum of the Rockies. Jack also got a longer title, lucky devil; he will now be known as the Ameya Preserve Curator of Paleontology at the Museum of the Rockies. Take that, Stephen Spielberg! When we aren’t busy calculating our own endowments with fetching little 3-place decimal points, or wondering if we wouldn’t also succumb to the lure of really, really long numbers and titles, we secretly acknowledge among ourselves how boring our mountains and wildlife can be without a little foie de gras, wine, and onsite dino digs, especially if you are a migrating glitz weasel.
This truly factual, but nonetheless amazing info is available on the Web and at the Ameya Web site. (I ain’t giving them a free link, so you’ll have to Google them.) If you find your way there and endure hours of tedious re-touched animations, I take no responsibility if you puke in your shoes. (Hey, “Shoes!” I’ll look under “Shoes!) The home page animation (with music, too) says “In the vast wilderness of Montana’s Paradise Valley a bold new vision is taking shape.” (This bold new vision is accessible, too, to anyone who is used to coming and going using a nearby private airport, that is.) But you really have to visit the Christmas Book to see the rugged male model in the leather jacket standing in front of the vast wilderness. (When I last looked, the vast wilderness was made up of a lot of 20 acre ranchettes, “accessibility” meant bigger bathroom stalls instead of proximity to private airports, and slow food was a wounded deer. But then I am probably suffering from brown grass envy.)
But back to the Neiman Marcus Christmas Book. I found the 2.3 Million Dollar Slice of Heaven with Rugged Male Model And A Home That Comes with A Gourmet Dinner By Alice Waters and Music by Renee Fleming and Joshua Bell under “Fantasy Gifts.” No kidding! Just the cost of making nature actually interesting to people must be in the millions, so you see where the needless markup comes in. “Despite developing less than 10 percent of our 11,000 acres of pristine land, we know that even our 300 home sites will inevitably impact the environment,” said Wade Dokken, founder of Ameya Preserve. “Our philosophy dictates that when taking from the land, we must continue to make efforts to give back.” Like the home residence and the half mill he gave back to Alice Waters, for example. I can’t afford Alice Waters, but I make a mean locally raised pork roast that you can eat as fast or as slow as you please, and I know lots of musicians. Buy my yard, and I’ll get our beloved local band The Fossils to sing for you while you eat the roast. And you can tell everyone that you got to dig Fossils.
So, now that we know it is okay to have a big impact on the environment as long as your philosophy dictates that you continue to make efforts to give back, lets compare the values between Ameya and my yard. The Ameya Web site says that you’ll find a spa and a store and a pavilion and a nature center and a kids camp and your cabin, all “tucked” “amid” (god, I hate both of those words) the mountains. But, oh, “Ameya is by no means isolated. Just minutes away, Bozeman and Livingston beckon with their charm and authenticity.” (That would be the same charm and authenticity that questioned Mr. Dokken’s intentions.) Well, I can give you kids, camping, and nature right here IN the midst of Livingston’s beckoning authenticity. Hell, I get moose walking right by the house, down the sidewalk, natural as you please! And if it’s tucking you want, there’s plenty of opportunity for that right there in the herb tub where the leeks I never tended died, or over by the rock garden that I used to fill in the “fountain” left by the previous owner.
But I don’t want to overplay it. The Ameya site reveals nothing so much as how hard it is to demonstrate sustainability and environmental consciousness without thousands of dollars of Flash animation and phrases like “nexus of conservation activities.” I don’t need to fill you up with sappy music and eye candy animations and meaningless phrases to let you know that, just as soon as I clean up after the dogs, you’ll find that the 500-square-foot slice of heaven with its recycled brick patio, its nexus of fallen leaves, and its ever-evolving programs of discovery, right here behind my house, speaks for itself. You might even say it beckons. Just $250,000. In time for the holidays.
And now my philosophy dictates that I must continue to make efforts to fix the backyard gate that has come untucked amid our mountains. Thank goodness I only need to continue to make efforts; actually doing something right is really tiresome.
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10/4: Goat: A High Country News Blog started a new category called “Irritating Websites” this summer and the Ameya’s site was first up. There, you see. I was not exaggerating about the really bad, like 3.275 million times bad, Ameya Web site.
10/15: I see that Charlotte Freeman also weighed in on the topic on her excellent Living Small blog (October 9).
10/17: See also Phil Cubeta’s Gift Hub: Blogging Philanthropy: “Is Super Capitalism Good for Us as Fools?”. Cubeta is a “Morals Tutor to America’s Wealthiest Families”. One can only hope Wade will hire him.
Blog articles on the Alice Waters relationship with the Ameya Preserve:
Charlotte Freeman on the ethicurean.com blog: “Strange bedfellows: Why is Alice Waters involved with the Ameya Preserve in Montana?”
Curbed San Francisco (sf.curbed.com): “Screw Socialism: Alice Waters Heads for The Hills”
Eater San Francisco (sf.eater.com): “Alice Waters’ Involvement in Montana Housing Development: Slightly Confusing
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6 Responses to “Preserve Ameya; buy my yard! Just $250,000! Makes a great gift!”
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This is, to coin a Visa-fied word, priceless.
Awesome!
From one biologist suffering from “class envy”, your commentary is right on the mark.
In Wade Dokken’s half-baked apology published in the Livingston Enterprise, he invited a dialog based on facts. However, he has no yet corrected or retracted all of the misinformation provided on his website and full-page ads. He claims the CO2 footprint of the families at Ameya will be offset (for their entire lifetimes) by planting trees on 1,700 of North Dakota grasslands. Has anyone ever seen the projected carbon budget for this project? I asked Conservation Fund President, Larry Selzer, for a copy (the Fund is promoting the project as carbon neutral). Guess what, the Fund doesn’t have a budget for the project. I’ve done some very simple (conservative) estimates and they can’t possibly account for all the excessive fossil fuel consumption generated by this project and the purchasing habits of the potential inhabitatnts. As Steve Martin used to say; “It’s impossible, to stick a Cadillac up your nose, it’s just impossible!”
And, have you noticed that Mr. Dokken is unaware that brown trout are native to Europe, not the Yellowstone watershed. Even Yellowstone River Angler-of-the-Year, Craig Matthews, (who will guide Ameya residents), apparently is too bashful to point out Wade’s faux pas. I’d say Wade’s conservation ethic is rather shallow.
Even our own Museum of the Rockies is promoting Ameya Preserve as “visionary” and as seeking “to set a new standard in preserving the natural landscape and wildlife.” I emailed Museum Director, Shelley Mckamey, and requested validation of the claims expoused on the Museum’s website. Here’s her pathetic response:
“I am responding to your recent email with questions about Ameya Preserve. We are not in a position to answer those questions and suggest that you work with representatives of Ameya Preserve to obtain the information you are seeking. ”
Apparently, a generous 3.275 million dollar donation can buy the the blind support of the Montana University system. As an MSU alumnus, I’m disappointed, and economic class has nothing to do with my disappointment.
More people should write Dokken’s supporters, promoters, and real estate marketers and request validation of apparently unfounded claims.
TRUTH IN ADVERTISING!
I don’t know how I missed this in my first eight rounds of Googling for the connections - but you had me at “if you have a slice you can put preserves on it.” awesome. we should all buy this kind of local.
curious — where did you learn Alice Waters got a house in addition to the $500,000 presumably for Slow Food Nation?
keep up the great light snark.
Bonnie,
I forget the first source, should have written it down. Of course, if she’s here cookin’ and teachin’ and minglin’ “amid” the mountains, she ain’t sleeping in no tent or in a room above the school. [Until I can recall that source, I’ve chosen to use the word “residence” instead of “home.” Given how pricey lots/homes are, maybe Dokken is just providing apartments in the Lodge that he plans to build. Or else, Alice and Jack are sleeping under the stars. Hey wait, they are the stars!]
See second source below:
Their PR guy from Porter Novelli says this on the Gift Hub blog: “He [Wade D] is betting that opportunities to engage with cultural luminaries such as culinary innovator, Alice Waters and renowned paleontologist, Jack Horner, who will have residences on and develop programming for Ameya Preserve, brings a new type of intellectual amenity into the second home community market that will differentiate Ameya Preserve and drive sales.”
http://www.gifthub.org/2007/05/former_ceo_of_a.html
This source doesn’t say they were given their “residences,” but there is no way they’d be buying one of the lots on the market. Perhaps the apartment theory is the correct interpretation.
Thanks for comments.
Bonnie & Lynn,
The term “residences” is probably being used like “artist in residence” or “highly-esteemed paleontologist-who-is-bought-with $3.2 million in residence.” Alice and Jack probably get to stay in wall tents, as pictured on the website.
Cheers
The Ameya website also lists “private heli-skiing in the Absaroka Wilderness” as another of the “green” activities available. Anyone heard any of the details of this plan? Flying in to a private inholding? Just looked a the website for the first time; the hyperbole and naivete is astonishing.