Barack Obama stands by his promise of change for gay Americans
December 23, 2008 | Filed Under Other Satire/Intentionally Funny Stuff | One Response
Responding to the outcry of progressives and gay Americans over anointing his special friend Pastor Rick Warren with a place of great honor in his inauguration, President-elect Barack Obama maintains that he is a fierce advocate for gays.
“Look, um, I am a fierce advocate, uh . . . and the dictionary definition of ferocious is: marked by extreme and violent energy as in a ‘ferocious beating.’ I think we can all–gay, straight, black, white–agree that I have just delivered gays a pretty ferocious beating.”
Obama went on to say that he stands by his message of change for all Americans. “Look, if a gay person comes up to me with a five dollar bill, I’ll give him or her change. I’ll give him five ones, or four ones and four quarters, or three ones and twenty dimes. I’ll change a twenty or a ten or a hundred. ” With his trademark wry humor, he added, “Just don’t be spending that money on a wedding!”
UPDATE: 12/27/08. According to sources inside the Obama transition, President-elect Obama has stated that he will “not move for months, and perhaps not until 2010″ to make change for gays, regardless of the size of the currency they tender. Even though making change for all was an Obama campaign promise, Mr. Obama first wants to confer with the Secretary of the Treasury and his new economic appointees to reach a consensus on this issue. Gay activists, disgruntled at having to use $5 and $10 bills for small purchases like subway tokens, have planned an economic boycott. On January 20, gays plan to refrain from spending any money on anything anywhere. Economic analysts predict that the loss in revenue for that day alone will approach $12.5 billion, or roughly $42 for every gay person in America. Calling the gay community “an American economic mainstay,” one analyst said that the gay sector of the economy is “too big to fail” and might force a cascading effect in bailout disbursements. Were the boycott to continue, “our entire economy could collapse.” Gays are likely to be blamed for America’s economic woes in any case, as President-elect Obama’s strong consituency of evangelicals has already sought to blame gays for Hurricane Katrina, the disappearance of Amelia Earhart, and the controversial loss of the Seahawks at the hands of the Steelers in Super Bowl XL.
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That’s change you can believe in!