Hurry up, Congress, these babies won’t last!
February 2, 2009 | Filed Under LOL Feature Stories (satire) | No Responses
The US Treasury Secretary’s plan to buy bad debts from struggling banks has inspired a creative reaction from citizens in Livingston who used to be just plain angry at taxpayers’ money being used to pay for spa weekends, private jets, executive bonuses, expensive shoes, pearl-handled garlic presses, luxury toilets, fine rugs, toupees, cosmetic surgery, limousines, and sky boxes for Knicks games.
“We figured that instead of protesting the TARP plans, we’d give regular Americans the same opportunity to sell their bad assets to the government,” said Lester Lanover of Take Our Useless Crappy Assets Now (TOUCAN). The group started by setting up tables at Albertson’s, Town and Country, and in front of Action Pawn to offer fellow Livingstonians the chance to sell their very own piles of crap to the US government.
But the government knows full well that it is not actually welcome in Livingston, so the group has moved its wares to the Web. Some of the bad assets to be found there include 2008’s Montana Millionaire tickets and a dried chip of bison poop from the Lamar Valley. The idea is to recoup much more than the assets are worth, “because that’s the American way.”
That means the seller of the lottery tickets, which cost $20 each, expects to have the government pay $430 for each of the failed tickets. The purveyor of the bison chip claims that “You can see the face of Teddy Roosevelt” in the chip. “I could get, like $250,000, for this on eBay, but I am offering it here for just $120,000.”
TOUCAN has promised to use some of the money for sponsorship of a lavish booth and party at the annual state Fly Fishing Championship and Tractor Pull. A laudable goal, but the group’s impact on Livingston’s high stakes and lucrative flea market business could have a devastating ripple effect on the local economy.