Commission asks: “The Constitution–Is it Still Right For America After All These Years”
February 9, 2009 | Filed Under LOL News Shorts or Briefs? (satire), Blog | No Responses
President Obama’s administration has appointed a blue ribbon commission to study the viability of seemingly 
dated ideas like the 14th Amendment, freedom from government eavesdropping, and the right to a fair and speedy trial. Taking as its theme, “The Constitution–Is it still Right For America After All These Years,” the Commission begins convening on March 1. The aptly named Constitutional Propriety for Our Nation Commission, dubbed the ConstiPation commission, will be composed of Constitutional scholars, including members of Ms. Celia Prendergast’s 7th grade Civics class at the Elkhart (Indiana) Middle School. The administration believes that we should consider all views and take “however long is necessary” to examine “the ancient document from all sides.”
Public comment has already come pouring in to President Obama’s Web site for interacting with Americans: oneway.org. The Web site takes a novel approach to the old idea that you can tell the government what you think on issues that are critical to your lives, but the government is not obliged to deliver change. Only now you can do this on the Web. This saves time, although it does little to boost revenues for the troubled US Postal Service.
One radical idea gathering weight among progressives and other god-hating Americans is that we should consider separating church and state. Atheists Are People, Too (APT) is urging its members to support a groundbreaking idea. APT wants to divide the nation literally into Church and State.
Their proposal is to either mark off a large section of the south or just the entire state of Texas as a homeland for Christian Extremists, while retaining godless states like California for the United States itself. Their second proposal is to create Christian reservations enclaves along the lines of the one founded by Warren Jeffs in West Texas where women and girls handle housework, child care, quilting and gardening in home-sewn dresses and really bizarre hairstyles, freeing up their God-fearing men to pursue light industry and molest children.
The second APT option could be helped along by new technology that combines GPS technology with the CIA’s ability to 
track all of our conversations. The new Christometer™ measures not only the degree to which a person, or groups of persons, accept Jesus Christ as a personal saviour, but also the frequency with which they knock on doors, colonize third world nations, or otherwise attempt to “save” other people(s). The new device replaces the dated Christowatts metering technology which proved to be inaccurate as it confused many people in Wisconsin who had brought “cheeses” into their lives with those who had accepted Christ.
Conservative members of the ConstiPation Commission show strong signs of giving the APT proposals some serious thought. To them, the idea of enabling their fundamental ideas to blossom in isolation from the decaying influences of notions like the universe is constantly changing, the earth is round, and dinosaurs did not roam the earth with man, has its merits.
Millions of Californians have already begun organizing a ballot initiative to move the 11,000 square miles of Saddleback Church land into the Church zone, leaving countless millions in the rest of the state free to engage in a wanton indulgence of their 14th Amendment rights. Such an initiative depends on whether or not the Commission does decide that the Constitution is indeed still right for America, a prospect that many view, in light of recent trends, to be highly doubtful.
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