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February 2, 2009 | Filed Under LOL Feature Stories (satire) | Leave a Comment
The US Treasury Secretary’s plan to buy bad debts from struggling banks has inspired a creative reaction from citizens in Livingston who used to be just plain angry at taxpayers’ money being used to pay for spa weekends, private jets, executive bonuses, expensive shoes, pearl-handled garlic presses, luxury toilets, fine rugs, toupees, cosmetic surgery, limousines, and sky boxes for Knicks games.
“We figured that instead of protesting the TARP plans, we’d give regular Americans the same opportunity to sell their bad assets to the government,” said Lester Lanover of Take Our Useless Crappy Assets Now (TOUCAN). The group started by setting up tables at Albertson’s, Town and Country, and in front of Action Pawn to offer fellow Livingstonians the chance to sell their very own piles of crap to the US government.
But the government knows full well that it is not actually welcome in Livingston, so the group has moved its wares to the Web. Some of the bad assets to be found there include 2008’s Montana Millionaire tickets and a dried chip of bison poop from the Lamar Valley. The idea is to recoup much more than the assets are worth, “because that’s the American way.”
That means the seller of the lottery tickets, which cost $20 each, expects to have the government pay $430 for each of the failed tickets. The purveyor of the bison chip claims that “You can see the face of Teddy Roosevelt” in the chip. “I could get, like $250,000, for this on eBay, but I am offering it here for just $120,000.”
Other items at press time (but hurry, Congress, these babies won’t last) included these from the buymtcrap.com Web site:
TOUCAN has promised to use some of the money for sponsorship of a lavish booth and party at the annual state Fly Fishing Championship and Tractor Pull. A laudable goal, but the group’s impact on Livingston’s high stakes and lucrative flea market business could have a devastating ripple effect on the local economy.
December 21, 2008 | Filed Under LOL Feature Stories (satire) | Leave a Comment
In a continuing spirit of outreach, and to reward the eighty million evangelical voters who were largely responsible for putting him in the White House, President Elect Barack Obama has invited the Reverend Rick Warthog of the fundamentalist mega-church Six Flags Over Jesus to deliver the invocation at his inauguration. The decision met with a firestorm of opposition from several million gays, but the Obama staff defended the move saying “that Gays are way too sensitive. And besides, we already have their money from the campaign.”
The openly-obese Reverend Warthog preaches and promotes dogma that is disturbing to many progressives, including the belief that the earth was formed 375 years ago, Cher is God’s punishment for being gay, and homosexuality “can be cured like hams are cured, by hangin’ them in a small dark place and smokin’ them for a really long time.” (Click the Six Flags Over Jesus logo to see a recent brochure from the church.)
Warthog is the author of “The Porpoise Driven Life,” a bestseller inspired by his observations of the thousands of visitors to the Jesus and the Fishers of Men exhibit in the aquatic pavilion at his Six Flags Over Jesus mega church. The exhibit seeks to prove that people who claim to be saved by porpoises can be taught to accept Jesus as their real savior.
Other attractions at the church include the ever popular Whack-A-Gay game. “The kids really love this one,” according to an announcement in the church’s weekly bulletin from November 9 celebrating “God’s victory in passing Proposition 8.” Any age can play, and the game touts “enormous success in showing young people how God wants them to respond to gays as well as giving them an idea of how to respond to their own homosexual impulses.”
There is some speculation among those who are mystified by the Obama choice of Reverend Warthog to make history with him on January 20 that the pastor offered the Obama kids free E-tickets (Eternity tickets) to all Six Flags Over Jesus attractions in exchange for the chance to send the world the message that America is still a “truly Christian nation.”
Meanwhile, plans move forward for the Skinhead Ball, one of many events the Obama team is planning for the night of inaugural partying.
At left: Kids at Six Flags Over Jesus show their Christian mettle in a game of Whack-A-Gay.
September 18, 2008 | Filed Under LOL Feature Stories (satire) | 1 Comment
|According to a study leaked today by the Institute for Socio-Political Reverberations, political scientists have found a nearly one-to-one correspondence between the 2008 McCain campaign and the famous castaways of “Gilligan’s Island.” In particular, the study notes that the principals in the McCain campaign have been identified as having their roots in, or even a quasi-twinship with, the characters of the legendary 1960’s sitcom.Just as intriguing, according to the unpublished report, the entire premise of “Gilligan’s Island” seemed to presage the McCain campaign as it is today. The researchers have even unearthed a copy of lyrics (at right) that pre-dated the ones that were finally chosen and that became famous during the show’s three year run.The Skipper himself is indisputably John McCain according to the study. After announcing his candidacy on the Letterman Show in February 2007, McCain has led a crew of bumblers on a “two year campaign, a two year campaign,” and the final verse of the theme song includes the trademark McCain invocation of “my friends.” Gilligan can only be Tucker Bounds, the hapless McCain spokesman who lands on the Skipper’s head every time he attempts a feat beyond his skills, such as climbing a palm tree or being interviewed on cable news.”That Sarah Palin has her roots in Ginger,” said the study, “is a truly remarkable discovery, given that Palin was born during the show’s first season.” The study was funded by earmarks attached to a Senate appropriations bill for a bridge between Alaska and Hawaii, a state that you can actually see from the “uncharted desert isle” of Gillian fame.According to one cultural analyst, “If you didn’t know any better, and, of course, most Americans don’t, you would think that the entire sitcom was meant to implant the idea of a McCain campaign in the American psyche decades ago. And certainly McCain has been around long enough to have played a part, even that of Skipper Jonas Grumby.”
Only segments of the report were leaked, so it remains to be seen what other counterparts can be identified among the castaways. There is suggestive data pointing to either Lynn Forester de Rothschild or Carly Fiorina as Eunice “Lovey” Wentworth Howell, the rich, spoiled socialite, married to Thurston Howell, III. However, Lovey’s kind side would seem to rule both campaign surrogates out.
Speculation has tied Cindy McCain to Mary Ann, but generations of future scholars will no doubt ponder the possibility that the Thurstons, who owned several houses and several staffs of servants, are actually the McCain couple. Until we see the final study, we can’t be sure where all of the links will fall.
The one dissonant note in this otherwise compelling ‘parallel universe’ theory is that not one of McCain’s current staffers has the chops to be the Professor. Students of “Gilligan’s Island” will recall that the Professor was adept at science, well-versed in literature, social sciences, and the arts, and the only one on the island who kept his head in the frequent crises that beset the castaways, which made him something of an interloper on the island.
Could this character have been a hint of things to come with Barack Obama? At the very least, the character of the Professor highlights the possibility that the castaways and their twins in the McCain campaign, and, indeed, the entire American “isle,” would be likely to blunder around for an indefinite period of time were it not for the Professor. Perhaps then as now, the Professor remains everyone’s only hope of getting in touch with the mainland.
The leaked study included compelling photographic evidence. Click any image for a larger view.
Above: McCain is the Skipper.
Below: This draft of lyrics pre-dated the ones ultimately used by the show.
Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale, A tale of a fateful trip That started from the Letterman show Aboard this tiny ship.
The mate was a mighty military man, The skipper brave and sure. Five passengers set sail that day For a two year campaign, a two year campaign.
The weather started getting rough, The tiny ship was tossed, If not for the courage of the fearless crew McPalin would be lost, McPalin would be lost.
The ship set ground on the shore of this uncharted desert isle With Gilligan The Skipper too, The millionaire and his wife, The movie star The professor and Mary Ann, Here on Gilligans Isle.
So this is the tale of the candidates, They’re here for a long, long time, They’ll have to make the best of things, It’s an uphill climb.
The VP candidate and the Skipper too, Will do their very best, To make the others toe the line, In the tropic island nest.
No phone, no lights no motor cars, Not a single BlackBerry, Like Robinson Crusoe, As primitive as can be.
So join us here each week my friends, You’re sure to get a smile, From seven stranded castways, Here on “Gilligan’s Isle.”
Is the smart and capable Professor linked to Obama? He certainly organized the Island community, and was the only one with the skills to reach out to the mainland.
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