President Obama’s administration has appointed a blue ribbon commission to study the viability of seemingly dated ideas like the 14th Amendment, freedom from government eavesdropping, and the right to a fair and speedy trial. Taking as its theme, “The Constitution–Is it still Right For America After All These Years,” the Commission begins convening on March 1. The aptly named Constitutional Propriety for Our Nation Commission, dubbed the ConstiPation commission, will be composed of Constitutional scholars, including members of Ms. Celia Prendergast’s 7th grade Civics class at the Elkhart (Indiana) Middle School. The administration believes that we should consider all views and take “however long is necessary” to examine “the ancient document from all sides.”
Public comment has already come pouring in to President Obama’s Web site for interacting with Americans: oneway.org. The Web site takes a novel approach to the old idea that you can tell the government what you think on issues that are critical to your lives, but the government is not obliged to deliver change. Only now you can do this on the Web. This saves time, although it does little to boost revenues for the troubled US Postal Service.
One radical idea gathering weight among progressives and other god-hating Americans is that we should consider separating church and state. Atheists Are People, Too (APT) is urging its members to support a groundbreaking idea. APT wants to divide the nation literally into Church and State.
Their proposal is to either mark off a large section of the south or just the entire state of Texas as a homeland for Christian Extremists, while retaining godless states like California for the United States itself. Their second proposal is to create Christian
reservations enclaves along the lines of the one founded by Warren Jeffs in West Texas where women and girls handle housework, child care, quilting and gardening in home-sewn dresses and really bizarre hairstyles, freeing up their God-fearing men to pursue light industry and molest children.
The second APT option could be helped along by new technology that combines GPS technology with the CIA’s ability to track all of our conversations. The new Christometer™ measures not only the degree to which a person, or groups of persons, accept Jesus Christ as a personal saviour, but also the frequency with which they knock on doors, colonize third world nations, or otherwise attempt to “save” other people(s). The new device replaces the dated Christowatts metering technology which proved to be inaccurate as it confused many people in Wisconsin who had brought “cheeses” into their lives with those who had accepted Christ.
Conservative members of the ConstiPation Commission show strong signs of giving the APT proposals some serious thought. To them, the idea of enabling their fundamental ideas to blossom in isolation from the decaying influences of notions like the universe is constantly changing, the earth is round, and dinosaurs did not roam the earth with man, has its merits.
Millions of Californians have already begun organizing a ballot initiative to move the 11,000 square miles of Saddleback Church land into the Church zone, leaving countless millions in the rest of the state free to engage in a wanton indulgence of their 14th Amendment rights. Such an initiative depends on whether or not the Commission does decide that the Constitution is indeed still right for America, a prospect that many view, in light of recent trends, to be highly doubtful.
Everyone has heard about the Liberal agenda, most recently in the past election year, as the right wing’s intellectual arm–Rush Limbaugh, Pat Buchanan, Sarah Palin–sought to frighten voters into denying Barack Obama the presidency and Congress its progressive majority. But very few have seen it.
But now a customer at a Livingston, Montana cafe can rightly claim that there is a very real Liberal agenda. He has seen it for himself. “Oh, it exists alright,” said Coleman Pendergrass over morning coffee at Pinky’s Cafe yesterday. “Two days ago, I was having me a Breakfast Gordito with extra ham at the counter when I noticed a slip of paper sticking out from underneath the edge of the counter. I was pretty surprised when I opened it up and saw what looked like a shopping list, except there was no beans or beer on that list, just stuff like ‘Save the black-footed ferret; re-read Constitution and find more ways to apply it; support Adam and Steve; find new ways to praise Fidel Castro especially now that he is really, really old; find new ways to praise Ronald Reagan, especially now that he is really, really dead; and order more Chardonnay and cilantro for the weekend study group.’”
Historians and other researchers have not yet had the chance to study the document, but are intrigued by the mix of items both old and new.
Meanwhile, the FBI, called in by local police to investigate the document, is trying to determine if there is any relationship to the Homosexual agenda found last month in a Beverly Hills bistro.
This just in: Right wing intellectual arm found in Greenville, North Carolina dumpster. Police have no leads on how or why this odd body part was left in the garbage behind a WalMart.
Ringed by high and rugged mountains, beset by tribal strife, short on GNP, and subject to harsh winters, the newly formed province of Livingstan has long borne a striking resemblance to the other ’stans, like Pakistan, Uzbekistan, Afghanistan, Kurdistan, Bashkortostan, Turkestan, Tajikistan, Hindustan, Kyrgyzstan and Lazistan. Today it joined forces with the larger region of Parkistan (the county formerly known as Park) that surrounds it in asserting its stature as an independent entity.
Livingstan has adopted sister cities in the past, but that did not quench its thirst for recognition as a cow and rail town with international aspirations. In addition, there are natural synergies with the ’stans. Take Uzbekistan where 34.1% of the population is younger than 14. Judging by the cinematic fare that enjoys 30-week runs at Livingstan’s Empire Theater, most of the Livingstan population is under 12. Like ’stanis from across the seas, Livingstanis also like to wear funny hats. Montana and Kyrgyzstan are sister states already, increasing the ’stan synergy.
As is true for all the other ’stans, the overwhelming majority of Americans could not locate Livingstan on a map if programming their TV remote controls depended on it. Livingstan is a province in the American state of Montana, itself long regarded as a fiercely independent geographical, cultural, and political entity.
Like Afghanistan, Livingstan is an ancient focal point of trade and migration, and has experienced ongoing lawlessness. Like the other ’stans, Livingstan is not a glitzy destination, although it is invaded from time to time. Not to be confused with Lesbekistan, an independent province of San Francisco, Livingstan also enjoys a strategic location, and, in spite of political instability, believes that it has a bright future as a source of recycled plastic materials gathered by hat-wearing natives from fences and shrubbery after the daily wind gusts.
Livingstan has recently chosen a democratic way of life as old dynastic traditions fade away. Today it joined Parkistan in breaking away from Montana and the US, and adopted Parkistani currency. Now all the Livingstanis need is an official state language.
At left: Proposed flag design for the province of Livingstan.